I’m gonna be okay.

20.1.2013 seems so far away already. My reconstructed knee is turning 5 years old today.

5 years.

261 weeks.

1827 days. 

43 848 hours. 

Those numbers put into perspective the time I've spent with my new knee. 2013 being far away also means that there have been immense amounts of days and hours and weeks of work, recovery, pain, setbacks and rehab involved. Looking back at this period of time I feel privileged. I don't mean I'm happy that I got injured this way, but I mean I've come at peace with the fact that this injury has made me grow in ways that I didn't even know I could, it's made a more mature and independent person, it's made me appreciate the little things in life, but most of all, it has made me the person I am today, January 20th, 2018. 

Earlier this week I had a little breakdown thinking about my injury date, all the emotions I went through that day and all the emotions I have had to go through since. I was sad and upset that I don't have the possibility to do some things I would do literally anything to be able to do one more time. I cried because the knee reconstruction made it impossible for my knee to recover to a point where my leg would be pain-free, normal and as strong as it was before. I know it will never ever be my "old" knee again and although I'm mostly at peace with that and don't really share the little time when I'm not at peace with it with anyone, but some days are so hard. So emotional. I'm a grown-up pretty much adult but I still have days I just look back and cry by myself. No one really understands and no one can really help and that's why I'd rather keep those little breakdowns to myself, but I'm sharing them now. There are times I think "Why me?" "Why not a smaller injury that I could've easily recovered from and got back to the sports I loved?". I don't think anyone will ever be able to give me those answers.

Someone asked me this week what they could do to help me feel better. I said there's nothing they can do but if there was one wish that was made true I would 110% take my leg back. Make my knee pain-free and functional and normal again. I would give so much to get that but unfortunately the world doesn't really work like that, does it? I sometimes wish that someone else would've had to deal with this injury instead of me, but then I realize that I'm not too unsatisfied with the strong and independent, motivated and understanding Irène I became, and if not fully, it's for the most part thanks to this injury. Kinda hilarious to thank an injury of this type but I realized already a while ago that if I wasn't ready to forgive myself I would never accept this injury and all its outcomes. By far the hardest part was to forgive myself. I forgave my doctors for not making my knee perfect again, I forgave everyone around me, I forgave even the girl who caused this injury to me even though she never apologized, but it took a much longer time to forgive myself. 

When I'm in a dark place in my mind I keep telling myself that if I'm going through hell I just need to keep going because even hell is not forever. You know, tough days can last long and feel like forever but even those days come to an end one day and the world starts smiling to you again. Or rather you start smiling to the world again. The dark places have, after all, taught me so much that I'm grateful even for them. Maybe not at the very moment going through them but looking at them afterwards, they make me appreciate everything I still have and everything I can still do so much more than I would without those hard days. 

Possibly the greatest lesson these five years have taught me has been that a person is exactly as strong as they decide to be. I did crumble during this journey more than once, or twice but the difference is that I got up after crumbling. Strength is something miraculously powerful that gets you through the hardest times and helps you keep your feet on the ground during the good ones. Of course I'm happy of every single lesson this journey has made me learn, but knowing my strength has been shaping me the most into the person I am today and I can say that even though I rarely am proud of anything I do, I'm pretty pretty proud about that. The world is not too bad of a place to live in sometimes and rather than being all sad about my knee situation, I've decided that these anniversaries are days that I can look back at all the work I've done and everything I've gone through to get to this point and smile back at the world. My brace and scars have become part of me. I deal with the pain and the small lack in the range of motion. My muscle strength is pretty much as good as it can be compared to the healthy knee. Life is about adapting to the new normal. I guess I can say I'm doing so to the best I can.

A person I care about a lot once said "The sun shines even through a pile of brushwood" and he was completely right. Life goes on no matter what and there's always a rainbow somewhere after the rain.

I'm gonna be okay.