IF YOU'RE NOT IN IT, YOU CAN'T WIN IT

CONTENT WARNING

                 - please be advised that some people may find this post and its content disturbing -

On January 20th, 2018 I "celebrated" my knee's 5th anniversary. From the outside it might look like I'm okay, feeling well and have put that injury and the accident behind me - but I really haven't. As a matter of fact, this year's anniversary was probably the hardest one yet.... I have never felt so lonely and destroyed with the accident, disappointed in myself, felt so powerless and hopeless, there was an overwhelming feel of guilt and self-blame.




What most people see                vs.         What only a selected crew of people see (actual mood)



In fact, most January and February I felt extremely anxious, extremely sad and after a while, when it felt like everything was falling on me, pushed by my loved-ones, I seeked for professional help - for the first time after my accident and actually for the first time ever.

Turns out a couple of times was enough for me. I didn't feel like I was getting the kind of support I really would have wanted. Not that I knew exactly what kind of help I needed, but it sure wasn't what I was getting. I was crying on most days, I felt sad everyday and life just seemed to be a heck of an obstacle; nothing had a meaning and I was lost in my thoughts and emotions.



The need for help with mental health is drastically underrated. I think I would've coped somewhat better with my accident and the consequences it led to had I got a therapist to talk it through, talk about my feelings and learning to cope with the "new me" but most people don't really see the point in that... Neither did I. Looking back, I wish I had gone to see someone earlier because every year when January comes around, there's a period that is mentally extremely rough, a time that takes me back to the year 2013 when all of this started and I find it extremely hard to cope with those emotions and feelings, trying desperately to find answers but not getting any. I've been considered a tough person both mentally and physically for as long as I can remember in sports as well as life in general. But if this injury has taught me anything is, that no one has to be tough all of the time. I don't have to suffer in silence, cry by myself and find answers by myself. There are literally people out there to help us out. For us to be able to sit down and talk through the feelings we're going through, help us find answers or if not answers, ways to cope with the sadness and pain. Because an overwhelming amount of pain can lead to drastic consequences, as I've come to learn myself too (unfortunately), but I'm not going to talk about those here.
At the end, during the darkest times, my one thing, sports, that used to always bring a smile on my face wasn't fun anymore. Wasn't bringing a smile on my face. I was desperate and depressed. All I could really think of was, why was it me who got injured like this? Why can't anyone bring back my old knee? Why did I get complications that led to my second serious knee injury and eventually to the harsh truth that soccer and track&field weren't options for me anymore? Why wasn't sport fun anymore? What was wrong with me? What had I ever do wrong to get all of this shit when some people never break a bone in their whole life?
Only questions that I couldn't find the answer to... Was I just extremely unlucky or had I actually done something wrong, only stars can tell and I'll never know.



When the long and dark winter was finally over, the sun began rising again and I found ways to smile and be happy again. A big big thing was to be able to be happy doing sports again. It's been a massive way for me to cope during times of sadness, loneliness and guilt from the accident. I'm also extremely happy and grateful to have a crew of amazingly important people in my life whom each have made me survive one more day in the darkness while trying to find the light again. Little by little, life seemed to find its path again and I found this that I enjoyed doing again. I got to experience some things I never thought I would after my knee injuries and I had people who made me laugh and see the fun in life again. Step by step, I started doing sports again with a new motivation found and it felt extremely good to be back to the one thing that has always been some sort of rescue for me. Sweat felt and tasted good, and I was loving it.


Not gonna lie, life has been extremely hard at times in 2018, but I've had my moments and happiness is starting to be back in my life. Some big achievements of this year have been:

1) DOWNHILL SKIING

I never thought I'd be able to get back on a ski lift and a skiing hill let alone ski the hill down. None of my doctors thought I could do it, my parents were terrified and since the injury it always seemed like an unachievable obstacle; something I had done in the past but would never do again.
But defying all odds, I downhill skied 3 times during the past winter. Having my amazing boyfriend, supporter and a skier himself be by my side only made it more memorable and I will never forget my first time back on skis after 6 years!





2) FAMILY BIKE TRIP IN MT. TREMBLANT, QUÉBEC
I had the chance to have my family come to Canada for a short time this summer due to some family obligations. But we wanted to do something active as a family, before them going back to Finland and me staying here for my studies. So we decided to pack our bags and head to Mt. Tremblant for a couple of days, to rent bikes and have a great family time outdoors.
That's exactly what we got. One day of complete sunshine, a huge heat-wave and, on the other hand, a day of downpour rain - but we got what we came looking for - great biking trails and a great activity to do as a family.



















3) STARTING TRIATHLON
Year 2018 has been a year of new beginnings, and I decided to take up on a dream I have had for some time now: starting triathlon. McGill, my university, is offering a great chance to train and sweat learning about triathlon while meeting new amazing people. I don't know how my knee will like it, how it will react to the training or how much training it can take. But if you're not in it, you can't win it, right? I want to see this as an opportunity,and well, if it doesn't work out, at least I don't have to regret not giving it a try.  It's a chance for me to show that anything is possible, even with a stitched-up, crappy multi-ligament knee injury and total knee reconstruction -knee like mine. I wanna show that obstacles are meant to be overcome and you never know your limit unless you give it a chance. I know my knee sets some limits to certain things, but I want to do my best while following those restrictions. We only have one life to live, so why not make the mot out of it. I know I will have to give up on most sports at some point due to my knee, but I just don't want that time to be quite yet.

I guess what I really wanted to say with this post was that, no matter how hard and dark times get, there are always those people by your side who will help you through it. There is always help available outside of that love-ones -circle that is out there to help YOU out. Don't ignore your mental health because you're scared of talking about it, of being judged or think you're a burden. There's always a way out of the darkness. I'm thankful for people and for sports to keep me on track when I lose my sight for a period of time. It's a lot easier to be lost than found, but believe me it is healthier to be found than to be lost. Don't be alone at darkest times, seek help early and find the things that make you happy. Because in the end, happiness finds itself in the simplest of things: living, loving, laughing and enjoying the small things that eventually will give a smile on your face.

I’m gonna be okay.

20.1.2013 seems so far away already. My reconstructed knee is turning 5 years old today.

5 years.

261 weeks.

1827 days. 

43 848 hours. 

Those numbers put into perspective the time I've spent with my new knee. 2013 being far away also means that there have been immense amounts of days and hours and weeks of work, recovery, pain, setbacks and rehab involved. Looking back at this period of time I feel privileged. I don't mean I'm happy that I got injured this way, but I mean I've come at peace with the fact that this injury has made me grow in ways that I didn't even know I could, it's made a more mature and independent person, it's made me appreciate the little things in life, but most of all, it has made me the person I am today, January 20th, 2018. 

Earlier this week I had a little breakdown thinking about my injury date, all the emotions I went through that day and all the emotions I have had to go through since. I was sad and upset that I don't have the possibility to do some things I would do literally anything to be able to do one more time. I cried because the knee reconstruction made it impossible for my knee to recover to a point where my leg would be pain-free, normal and as strong as it was before. I know it will never ever be my "old" knee again and although I'm mostly at peace with that and don't really share the little time when I'm not at peace with it with anyone, but some days are so hard. So emotional. I'm a grown-up pretty much adult but I still have days I just look back and cry by myself. No one really understands and no one can really help and that's why I'd rather keep those little breakdowns to myself, but I'm sharing them now. There are times I think "Why me?" "Why not a smaller injury that I could've easily recovered from and got back to the sports I loved?". I don't think anyone will ever be able to give me those answers.

Someone asked me this week what they could do to help me feel better. I said there's nothing they can do but if there was one wish that was made true I would 110% take my leg back. Make my knee pain-free and functional and normal again. I would give so much to get that but unfortunately the world doesn't really work like that, does it? I sometimes wish that someone else would've had to deal with this injury instead of me, but then I realize that I'm not too unsatisfied with the strong and independent, motivated and understanding Irène I became, and if not fully, it's for the most part thanks to this injury. Kinda hilarious to thank an injury of this type but I realized already a while ago that if I wasn't ready to forgive myself I would never accept this injury and all its outcomes. By far the hardest part was to forgive myself. I forgave my doctors for not making my knee perfect again, I forgave everyone around me, I forgave even the girl who caused this injury to me even though she never apologized, but it took a much longer time to forgive myself. 

When I'm in a dark place in my mind I keep telling myself that if I'm going through hell I just need to keep going because even hell is not forever. You know, tough days can last long and feel like forever but even those days come to an end one day and the world starts smiling to you again. Or rather you start smiling to the world again. The dark places have, after all, taught me so much that I'm grateful even for them. Maybe not at the very moment going through them but looking at them afterwards, they make me appreciate everything I still have and everything I can still do so much more than I would without those hard days. 

Possibly the greatest lesson these five years have taught me has been that a person is exactly as strong as they decide to be. I did crumble during this journey more than once, or twice but the difference is that I got up after crumbling. Strength is something miraculously powerful that gets you through the hardest times and helps you keep your feet on the ground during the good ones. Of course I'm happy of every single lesson this journey has made me learn, but knowing my strength has been shaping me the most into the person I am today and I can say that even though I rarely am proud of anything I do, I'm pretty pretty proud about that. The world is not too bad of a place to live in sometimes and rather than being all sad about my knee situation, I've decided that these anniversaries are days that I can look back at all the work I've done and everything I've gone through to get to this point and smile back at the world. My brace and scars have become part of me. I deal with the pain and the small lack in the range of motion. My muscle strength is pretty much as good as it can be compared to the healthy knee. Life is about adapting to the new normal. I guess I can say I'm doing so to the best I can.

A person I care about a lot once said "The sun shines even through a pile of brushwood" and he was completely right. Life goes on no matter what and there's always a rainbow somewhere after the rain.

I'm gonna be okay.