Don't give up, just start it over: my knee story: * ONE YEAR *

It's been a heck of a year. This year has a big meaning in my life. It represents so many things. It has made me open up my eyes to new opportunities, to new ways of thinking and looking at things. 365 days sounds to me like a very long time, but in a recovery such as this one, it is only the first step forward.
So what has this year been for me then? Crazy. Busy. Hectic. Rough. Good. Important.

Last year (10.11.2015) I was going to surgery with mixed feelings. My knee looked normal, I ran crazy kilometers, I was able to do most things normal people would do (except maybe play ball games...) but I managed. I walked to the surgery room, I climbed on the bed on my own, and it was somehow really hard for me to picture that when I'd wake up I could do nothing of those on my own, without someone's help. I was going to surgery with a(n) (almost) normal knee and coming out of it with a full-length cast from toes to hip, in such pain that just sitting or standing up hurt. Laying there, on the surgical bed, waiting for the anesthetic doctor my mind kept wandering to my last knee injury, the surgeries it lead me to, and those things' repercussions. Already that was rough for me so I knew this would me even tougher. A lot had happened since January 2013 but still... Even though I had waited for this surgery for almost a year, I didn't know whether I was fully ready mentally, yet. The anesthetic doctor came at around 8:25 am, put a mask on my face, and for the fifth time in my life my film was cut right there.

Waking up from the surgery at 6:00 pm my whole body was in agony. It was sharper pain than after my last total knee reconstruction but at least this time I didn't throw up on myself. I saved the nurses from cleaning me up in that way :P I was in the recovery room probably for around 5 hours, three nurses kept running around me as I wasn't breathing properly. They re-put the oxygen mask for me to get enough air. I kept losing consciousness. I remember vaguely one of the nurses saying: "Your dad and sister are here, would you like to see them". OMG NO, I DON'T WANT TO SEE THEM IN THIS STATE I thought but didn't get any word out of my mouth. I was pushed into my own private room at 8:25pm (12 hours after the start of my surgery now) and there they came, my younger sister and my dad. I still had my eyes half closed and I couldn't bother trying to open them more. They had been waiting at the hospital since around 6:pm so I had kept them waiting for a while now, ups :D Honestly I don't remember much of their visit, I was still under anesthetics a little bit and really out of it. But from what my sister and dad have told, they were talking to me and I was just fell asleep in the middle of their sentences.

During that night, the nurses bumped into my room every 1-2 hour(s). I was half awake, half asleep. In pain, I asked for medication but they wouldn't give me any. Instead, they stabbed me with needles (most probably some pain relieve medication) to my shoulder and stomach, and let me tell you, when you're half asleep, it scares the crap out of you. And they give you very elegant bruises as well. My leg, on the other hand, was just a big stack on 5 pillows, not being able to move one single bit. It felt so heavy, so painful. It was contradictory to think that with a messed up knee I had been able to do most things, and now after the surgery, I was able to do nothing (felt like going backwards big time) but I knew it would eventually, maybe one day, be better than the knee I had for a year.

The next four days were spent at the hospital. I don't think the nurses had seen a surgery like mine before as they kept getting together around my bed to admire my willingness to stand up the following day of the surgery. I wouldn't necessarily have needed to as I had (forgive me for this not-very-appealing explanation) a tube that collected my liquids instead of the toilet. But that was the reason that pushed me to get up. I wanted to myself state when was time to go to the bathroom. And light-headed, not having much energy, and the nurses having a coffee pause, I stood up. With my crutches I took about 2 minutes to walk a 10-meter distance to the bathroom. But was it worth it, yes it totally was!! I was not going to be a bed-bound patient, and I wanted to prove to myself I could push myself.

My syrgery was done on the 10th of November 2015, and I had sick leave from school until January when school started again after Christmas break. Despite that, I asked my mom to drop me to the school four days after the surgery. I wanted to see friends. I missed the atmosphere at school. You don't really miss it until you're absent from school. From November to January I had to take care of my school tasks on my own (aka home-schooling) which is hard honestly. I've always been someone how is driven to work hard to achieve certain goals in life, but I had a rough time doing all that school stuff. And there was A LOT of it. At that time I had 9 different classes and subjects like math, physics, chemistry, human biology etc. So yeah, I struggled big time trying to find that motivation. But I did all my courses and I passed all of them with good grades (which to me was a little surprise to be honest).

What really annoyed me about the timing of my surgery were two major things. 1) Our 2-week Christmas holiday to Thailand got cancelled because I wasn't able or even allowed to fly due to blood clots in my leg, and because my recovery had only taken babysteps by Christmas and 2) I wasn't sure whether I could take part to my winter prom in February. I did my winter prom (skipping some of the dances but still doing a big part of them) and it was a very happy and memorable day despite the pain in my knee for the next three weeks or so. To be honest, this past year I don't remember many days where I wouldn't have experienced any pain at all. It's part of me now.

I'm not ashamed of my knee, on the contary, that's what has brought me to where I am today. I am not ashamed for the pain I've experienced (I do try to avoid talking about the pain though) , it's made me stronger. I know we cannot have the rainbow without a little rain, and despite having had a whole bunch of rain, I still feel privileged to be able to do the things I do today. Because it wasn't something I could take for granted. Only a year ago I was told I might never walk nor run again. I panicked, felt depressed. I did not understand why I had to go through something like that. BUT. Here I am, 365 days later standing on my two feet being able to walk, run, bike, do triathlons, swim, rollerblade, climb, go to the gym, coach and many other things. I might not have all the amenities I had before my knee injuries but they've been replaced with many many new things I've learned and been privileged to see and do.

For a long time I thought undergoing surgery and being in a lifelong recovery process meant failure. Just recently I've understood I was wrong. So wrong. Being on a recovery process means much more mental and physical strength, the ability to learn to endure different kind of pain, learning to respect and listen to your own body, knowing your own limits, discovering your own strengths etc. Those are just some of the things I've crossed during the past year + the almost three years of the recovery process from the previous knee injury.

I am happy today. I am unhappy and upset at times. But the past can't be changed and this is my new reality. I never thought I would said this, but I'm thankful for my injuries and 5 surgeries because without them I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't know what true mental and physical strength mean. I wouldn't have appreciated me being healthy (I am sad to say I never appreciated enough my health and the joy it brought to my life before the accidents) and I probably wouldn't have met all the wonderful people I've got to meet through my surgeries and physical therapy visits amongst other things as well.

365 days have passed, sometimes slower sometimes faster but the Earth keeps moving. Things will get better evetually, we just need to believe in what we do. And I'm strived and determined to go forth, push myself and do what I can in order to keep getting better and better. Being injured doesn't mean I'm more vulnerable or weaker, it means I have the opportunity to bounce back and be stronger than ever. It gives me the opportunity to discover more about myself, about my knee, about my limits.
My knee's story is not over. I keep building it. Maybe one day it will feel good again even though it's very unlikely. But until then, I am happy with everything I am able to do today. It's been a long way, but the journey continues. It isn't over yet. My hope is still high as my expectations as well. And I'm not planning on quitting any time soon. So watch out world, you haven't seen all of it yet!

Our life isn't only about competing, seeking for the first place and the feeling of victory. Our life is not only performing for someone else without really being happy or able to take a minute and rejoice. Life is so much more than that. Life is enjoying the moment, living day by day, being happy about what you do and appreciating the little things. In the end, little things matter and they together form the entirety. And those little things are the stepping stones in my rehab as well. Believe in yourself, trust your knowledge and instincts and remember: "Whatever life throws at you, even if it hurts you, just be strong and fight through it. Remember, strong walls shake but they never collase."