* ONE YEAR *

It's been a heck of a year. This year has a big meaning in my life. It represents so many things. It has made me open up my eyes to new opportunities, to new ways of thinking and looking at things. 365 days sounds to me like a very long time, but in a recovery such as this one, it is only the first step forward.
So what has this year been for me then? Crazy. Busy. Hectic. Rough. Good. Important.

Last year (10.11.2015) I was going to surgery with mixed feelings. My knee looked normal, I ran crazy kilometers, I was able to do most things normal people would do (except maybe play ball games...) but I managed. I walked to the surgery room, I climbed on the bed on my own, and it was somehow really hard for me to picture that when I'd wake up I could do nothing of those on my own, without someone's help. I was going to surgery with a(n) (almost) normal knee and coming out of it with a full-length cast from toes to hip, in such pain that just sitting or standing up hurt. Laying there, on the surgical bed, waiting for the anesthetic doctor my mind kept wandering to my last knee injury, the surgeries it lead me to, and those things' repercussions. Already that was rough for me so I knew this would me even tougher. A lot had happened since January 2013 but still... Even though I had waited for this surgery for almost a year, I didn't know whether I was fully ready mentally, yet. The anesthetic doctor came at around 8:25 am, put a mask on my face, and for the fifth time in my life my film was cut right there.

Waking up from the surgery at 6:00 pm my whole body was in agony. It was sharper pain than after my last total knee reconstruction but at least this time I didn't throw up on myself. I saved the nurses from cleaning me up in that way :P I was in the recovery room probably for around 5 hours, three nurses kept running around me as I wasn't breathing properly. They re-put the oxygen mask for me to get enough air. I kept losing consciousness. I remember vaguely one of the nurses saying: "Your dad and sister are here, would you like to see them". OMG NO, I DON'T WANT TO SEE THEM IN THIS STATE I thought but didn't get any word out of my mouth. I was pushed into my own private room at 8:25pm (12 hours after the start of my surgery now) and there they came, my younger sister and my dad. I still had my eyes half closed and I couldn't bother trying to open them more. They had been waiting at the hospital since around 6:pm so I had kept them waiting for a while now, ups :D Honestly I don't remember much of their visit, I was still under anesthetics a little bit and really out of it. But from what my sister and dad have told, they were talking to me and I was just fell asleep in the middle of their sentences.

During that night, the nurses bumped into my room every 1-2 hour(s). I was half awake, half asleep. In pain, I asked for medication but they wouldn't give me any. Instead, they stabbed me with needles (most probably some pain relieve medication) to my shoulder and stomach, and let me tell you, when you're half asleep, it scares the crap out of you. And they give you very elegant bruises as well. My leg, on the other hand, was just a big stack on 5 pillows, not being able to move one single bit. It felt so heavy, so painful. It was contradictory to think that with a messed up knee I had been able to do most things, and now after the surgery, I was able to do nothing (felt like going backwards big time) but I knew it would eventually, maybe one day, be better than the knee I had for a year.

The next four days were spent at the hospital. I don't think the nurses had seen a surgery like mine before as they kept getting together around my bed to admire my willingness to stand up the following day of the surgery. I wouldn't necessarily have needed to as I had (forgive me for this not-very-appealing explanation) a tube that collected my liquids instead of the toilet. But that was the reason that pushed me to get up. I wanted to myself state when was time to go to the bathroom. And light-headed, not having much energy, and the nurses having a coffee pause, I stood up. With my crutches I took about 2 minutes to walk a 10-meter distance to the bathroom. But was it worth it, yes it totally was!! I was not going to be a bed-bound patient, and I wanted to prove to myself I could push myself.

My syrgery was done on the 10th of November 2015, and I had sick leave from school until January when school started again after Christmas break. Despite that, I asked my mom to drop me to the school four days after the surgery. I wanted to see friends. I missed the atmosphere at school. You don't really miss it until you're absent from school. From November to January I had to take care of my school tasks on my own (aka home-schooling) which is hard honestly. I've always been someone how is driven to work hard to achieve certain goals in life, but I had a rough time doing all that school stuff. And there was A LOT of it. At that time I had 9 different classes and subjects like math, physics, chemistry, human biology etc. So yeah, I struggled big time trying to find that motivation. But I did all my courses and I passed all of them with good grades (which to me was a little surprise to be honest).

What really annoyed me about the timing of my surgery were two major things. 1) Our 2-week Christmas holiday to Thailand got cancelled because I wasn't able or even allowed to fly due to blood clots in my leg, and because my recovery had only taken babysteps by Christmas and 2) I wasn't sure whether I could take part to my winter prom in February. I did my winter prom (skipping some of the dances but still doing a big part of them) and it was a very happy and memorable day despite the pain in my knee for the next three weeks or so. To be honest, this past year I don't remember many days where I wouldn't have experienced any pain at all. It's part of me now.



I'm not ashamed of my knee, on the contary, that's what has brought me to where I am today. I am not ashamed for the pain I've experienced (I do try to avoid talking about the pain though) , it's made me stronger. I know we cannot have the rainbow without a little rain, and despite having had a whole bunch of rain, I still feel privileged to be able to do the things I do today. Because it wasn't something I could take for granted. Only a year ago I was told I might never walk nor run again. I panicked, felt depressed. I did not understand why I had to go through something like that. BUT. Here I am, 365 days later standing on my two feet being able to walk, run, bike, do triathlons, swim, rollerblade, climb, go to the gym, coach and many other things. I might not have all the amenities I had before my knee injuries but they've been replaced with many many new things I've learned and been privileged to see and do.

For a long time I thought undergoing surgery and being in a lifelong recovery process meant failure. Just recently I've understood I was wrong. So wrong. Being on a recovery process means much more mental and physical strength, the ability to learn to endure different kind of pain, learning to respect and listen to your own body, knowing your own limits, discovering your own strengths etc. Those are just some of the things I've crossed during the past year + the almost three years of the recovery process from the previous knee injury.

I am happy today. I am unhappy and upset at times. But the past can't be changed and this is my new reality. I never thought I would said this, but I'm thankful for my injuries and 5 surgeries because without them I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't know what true mental and physical strength mean. I wouldn't have appreciated me being healthy (I am sad to say I never appreciated enough my health and the joy it brought to my life before the accidents) and I probably wouldn't have met all the wonderful people I've got to meet through my surgeries and physical therapy visits amongst other things as well.

365 days have passed, sometimes slower sometimes faster but the Earth keeps moving. Things will get better evetually, we just need to believe in what we do. And I'm strived and determined to go forth, push myself and do what I can in order to keep getting better and better. Being injured doesn't mean I'm more vulnerable or weaker, it means I have the opportunity to bounce back and be stronger than ever. It gives me the opportunity to discover more about myself, about my knee, about my limits.
My knee's story is not over. I keep building it. Maybe one day it will feel good again even though it's very unlikely. But until then, I am happy with everything I am able to do today. It's been a long way, but the journey continues. It isn't over yet. My hope is still high as my expectations as well. And I'm not planning on quitting any time soon. So watch out world, you haven't seen all of it yet!

Our life isn't only about competing, seeking for the first place and the feeling of victory. Our life is not only performing for someone else without really being happy or able to take a minute and rejoice. Life is so much more than that. Life is enjoying the moment, living day by day, being happy about what you do and appreciating the little things. In the end, little things matter and they together form the entirety. And those little things are the stepping stones in my rehab as well. Believe in yourself, trust your knowledge and instincts and remember:  "Whatever life throws at you, even if it hurts you, just be strong and fight through it. Remember, strong walls shake but they never collase."

~ Hope knows no fear,

 this too shall pass ~

XOXO

totally reconstructed knee -girl

behind the scenes

As part of a knee surgery recovery I had to adapt to many situations I felt were very obvious and automatic before my injury. They sound stupid to others but they are so difficult when your leg does not bend at all and it feels like you're carrying a leg three times as heavy as your whole body in total. I've heard so many comments on some of the facts that it has quite upset my sometimes but I do understand that they might sound odd, even exasperating to someone just listening to them, that's what it was to me as well. "Don't judge a book by its cover" is something even I had to learn: because as we never know what will happen in the future this can very well be something one of you will have to experience as well. We might have a smile on our faces even though we're hiding some difficulties behind it, this is kind of the same. They are facts that we'd rather not share but that keep distracting us from our daily routines as we have to put so much effort to do them.



1. Going to the bathroom
Might seem like an evident part of our daily routines but let me tell you, going to the toilet with a full-length cast is not easy at all. Finding a suitable position for your leg is hard.




2. Taking a shower
Many of my friends laughed at me when I said that either my mom or my sister had to come to the shower with me to remove my cast, shower me and later put my cast back on. It does sound weird to havent your parent shower you when you're 18 years old yes, but it's not like I didn't try to go to the shower by myself. It is quite hard to walk on wet floors with crutches let alone trying to wipe yourself when your leg does not move. So I had my mom or my sister wiping my leg and putting my bandages and cast back on.



3. Going up/down the stairs
Honestly it is something that can be learnt by time especially when you're on crutches for more than 4 months in a row but during winter time your crutches are slippery and wet and going up and down the stairs is pretty sketchy let alone risky!




4. Recovery can be slow
To be honest I had no idea what "a long recovery" meant before my injury. I had suffered a bad ankle injury at the age of seven and I did ankle follow-ups for seven years. For a 7-year-old kid at that time it seemed like forever. But I can understand now that that wasn't too long of a time after all. This knee recovery is actually SLOW, there are no other words to describe it. For two days that you make improvement there is one day that  you go down and your knee feels worse. So it really isn't advancing too fast.


5. Yes, I still have pain after almost fours years of the initial accident
It does sound to some people that I'm joking and faking to have pain but I have pain almost everyday, almost constantly. The pain is part of me now and I'm mostly used to it but some days it is really bad, I normally don't show it though. But I still hear frequently questions like "How can you still be hurting?" , "Is your knee still in pain?" , "Wasn't your injury like many years ago?". Yes it was a long time ago, but yes it is still hurting.


6. Mental pain
Mental pain is one of the worst things I know that comes along with this injury. Of course the physical pain is bad, terrible some days and something I would wish to no one, not even my worst enemy (although I think that for the most part, I'm my worst enemy). But the amount fof mental pain the injury brings with it, is quite extraordinary. I was strong already before my accident but I honestly had no idea of how strong I actually was before dealing with this amount of mental (and physical pain).
Mental is a concept of which meaning I was quite unaware before actually having to learn it myself. Mental pain is very stressing, nerve-wrecking and energy-consuming and it reduces the overall well-being. This might sound like a very strong image but I don't think I'm over-reacting to it. I've had quite a rough time trying to learn and cope with the mental health and the problems it causes. I never talk about them too much because I feel like being a whiner by doing so but I know it would be good to get it all out from time to time.
But Like Michael Jordan (a famous basketball player) once said: My attitude is that if you push me towards a weakness, I will turn that weakness into a strength."



7. This injury makes you quite vulnerable
I hate to write this on here and I hate telling this to myself but unfortunately it is only the truth. Having had this injury we are more at risk to other lower-body injuries and moreover, to injuries to other parts of the body trying to protect our injured leg. I learned this the hard. After my first injury I thought I was again invincible as I had manage to recover pretty well from my first injury that had at frist seemed like an injury that would end all my sports and furthermore even walking. But then. I found out that maybe the leg isn't 100% like my other leg and so I am recovering probably for life-long this time. Yes, we are more vulnerable and more probable to get injuries but no, we are not bed-bound. We are not taken down until we ourselves choose so. And that's why I've chosen to fight, no matter what.





8. It's not the medals that count but the journey
We might never win medals anymore. We might never even be able to take part to competitions, tournaments, meets or whatever we were taking part in before the injury. But for us it is no longer the medals that count, but the journey to a "so-called healthy knee" (it'll never be 100% healthy but as healthy as it can be). The journey is much more meaningful that crossing the finish line first. Of course I would do anything in my power to get back to the sports I loved so much but as time has passed I've started to realise it might never be possible again. That is why I try to make to most of every´improvement I make whether it was big or small, because we never know what will happen tomorrow. The journey might take a life-long time but that means you get to enjoy your improvements for the rest of your life.

9. You are your biggest enemy during recovery
Yes, you are. There are so many things that can go wrong during recovery, so many things only you can affect and no one else. Of course you have doctors and physiotherapists around you, you have your family and friends to support you, your coach to help you but in the end, you're the only one that can truly take care of your own body. Hard lesson to learn, at least for me.

 


10. Sometimes less is more
This is closely linked to the previous one. But yes sometimes doing less is actually more during critical moments of the recovery. Of course some days you have to work really hard in order to gain strength, range of motion, be able to walk again, balance, everything. BUT, sometimes we need to cool down, just stop for a second and let our body rest and heal. Because that is what it needs sometimes. And by doing less sometimes if gives us the energy we need to later push hard again.



Strength doesn't come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn't do. 

WE ALL NEED ANOTHER HERO

Let me tell you something about the rehab process. A steady and caring and understanding support group through the whole process is crucial because with its help you're half way through the recovery. Mostly mentally though. The other half comes from the physical part which only you can really be in charge of.

During these last 3,5 years (41 months) I've come to realize that there's no way out of this rehab if you don't allow people to help you with the mental part of the recovery. You can be tough as nails physically, do everything you have to to get your range of motion and strength back, but without the support of the ones who care about you and who want to help you, it is hard to cope the mental difficulties this injury unfortunately brings with it. So that is why I decided to write down some key factors (factors meaning the people who have been helping through this tough stage) in my 41 months of recovery:

1) My parents
Being a teenager I haven't always liked the way my parents handle things but I must say I wouldn't be where I am today without them. Until this day I have hidden my true feelings about the injury from my parents but the odd day I have told them how much that day affected my life. Back then I couldn't yet understand the fact I understand better now: that day hugely affected my parents' lives too. It's been a bumpy ride with a lot of ups and downs but I could not put into words how truly grateful I am to both my parents who have taken care of me, given me rides to the doctors, the hospitals, the physio appointments, who have taken care of all the shitty paperwork the insurance company keeps sending us and a bunch of other little things that together make hours and hours of working among me, my injury and its aftermath.


2) My little sister
I only have one sibling, a younger sister, but my god has she helped through a lot. We fight, we argue, we tease one another, but deep in my heart she is the most important person of my life. Now and forever. And even though she sometimes doesn't understand what I'm going through which is totally understandable given the fact that she's not faced with similar limitations, she has made so many days feel so much better and with her I can always be my own self whether it was laughing, talking serious stuff or crying.



3) My friends

Everyone needs friends, just a fact of life. I have been so lucky to have such a big group of friends I can talk to. I'm neither the most sociable person in the world nor the person who likes to open up about her feelings, but I know I will always have people around me I can talk to and that is a huge deal. It might not always come to people's mind that the mental recovery is at least as big of a part (if not even bigger) of the recovery than the physical part is. And that's what friends are for, to make you feel better, to make you laugh, and to make you forget the s**t for a while and just have fun and enjoy the moment.Whether it was in Finland or in Canada, I have some amazing and close friends I know I will always have in my life and having life-long friendships something I truly cherish.

 4) Holly Wild
I want to bring up one special friend, Holly, who's one year younger than me but who's suffered pretty much a similar injury to mine. We are quite like soulsistsers; we both share a huge passion for football and love being active - both things that we both were told we could probably never do again. Holly has been a huge part of my recovery since I can share with her something I can't share with a lot of people. We can share experiences of the rehab process, we can motivate each other, support each other, help each other, make each other feel better. We have bonded so well and I feel like I've known her forever and I know that whenever there is a bad day and I feel like no one can understand, I can always talk to her.
 

5) The 0,02% -support group
Before my injury I was quite skeptical about all kinds of support groups because I thought that all kinds of people would just go there to write stupid things and comments. I am very happy to say I was totally wrong., I'm sure there are groups that are the way I imagine them but I have found an amazing support group that supports, helps and motivates through hard times; listens what you have to say without judging. There are some amazing people there that have truly inspirated me to keep pushing forward and it is nice to see that sometimes little things we say can have an impact on other people who have a similar injury to yours. And that is just such a great feeling.

6) My two amazing physios 
I've been lucky to have found not one but two amazingly passionate and motivating physios one here in Finland and one in Canada during my exchange year. I've known Petri (here in Finland) for over three years and I can't thank him enough for all the work he does for my knee and me. I have had probably close to 50+ appointments with him now and he always finds hard and demanding exercises for me which I start working on and he takes the time to see me on an outdoor track after his work to plan with me things I can to there. He really has been a massive help for me. I don't see him quite as often anymore due to the insurance company not covering my physio appointments anymore but I still see him once in about 4-6 weeks and I can always give him a call if I need and I'm stocked to say that I will start filming a documentary about my recovery with him this summer!!! Tyler (from Canada), my other physio, was a massive part of my year spend aborad, away from my parents and all the usual. He helped through some difficult times and assisted me in re-finding my motivation and desire to do sports which I had lost for a while after my injury there. I saw him twice a month, he checked my weekly diary for workouts, he gave me workout programs I could do. Physios are a massive, massive part of the recovery. They help your physical rehab but when your physical rehab goes well it also helps you feel better, so they kinda promote your mental well-being too. Two people I owe a tremendous thank you for sure!!


7) The Fox family
I also have to mention this very special family for me in Canada. No matter what was my problem, no matter how annoying I was, no matter how bad things were going and how bad I was screwing up, they were always there to listen to me and help me. I only spent time with you so little, but you became to me my absolute second family meaning so much to me. I can even begin to thank you and I don't think there are words to say how thankful I am for everything they did for me, and let me tell you, it was a lot. Really some amazing, caring and loving people.




8) My two talented surgeons
I was lucky enough to be operated by one of the very best knee surgeons in Finland after my first injury. He had a very busy schedule working in four different hospitals but he made some time out of somewhere to come cut my knee open and put in some newly reconstructed ligaments. He kept a very close eye on my knee for over two years operating on my knee three other times as well. Unfortunately he was too busy to stay as my doctor after my last injury and so I was shifted to another surgeon who, in fact, is one of the very best knee surgeons in Finland as well. Since pre-surgery and post-surgery it has been him who has taken care of the medical stuff with my knee and he's been very motivating and caring.

I have so many people in my life who have helped me that it would probably take pages and pages to name them all. But it is important to say thank you for the people who care about you, so thank you to everyone who've been sharing this path with me. It's been tough, complicated, confusing and witless but moreover it's been a journey that I am happy to have shared with others. I don't think my recovery will ever end but treasure the memories I make with people around me during this journey - whether they were good or bad - because the harder the road is the more beautiful the destination is. 
 

Move out of your comfort zone - try something new

~ In the end we only regret the chances we didn't dare to take ~ 

 When you first hear you might never be able to do the sports you used to do before then injury, your world collapses for a while. You can't understand why something like this happened, or more, specifically, why it happened to you. You shake your head, can't believe what you have just heard, probably cry a bit too. Well, at least I did. 

At first, it feels really like there's nothing left, it's like a carpet would've been pulled away from under your feet. The first few days you don't really understand what has happened. Withing the next weeks that follow the reality hits hard and you start realizing you had a serious injury that completely changed your life.

I've been lucky to have close friends and family and experts close to me pretty much at all times. But like everyone knows, the true passion and desire to get better has to come from yourself, you have to believe in it and want it. Of course I have days where I hope this would've happened to someone else, or easier, to no one. And there are days that I look at my old team pictures from football and track&field asnd I cry by myself and days I watch games and hope I could jump in on the field. Like nothing had happened, like I used to do before.

As time has past and I'm 3,5 years post-op my first accident I have finally begun to accept the fact that there's life beyond football and track&field too, and that there are plenty of sports I can still do and that I have to appreciate everything I can still do. And that's why I have started to be interested in a whole new sport: triathlon.
Triathlon is a sport that combines three elements that I have been doing through different stages of my recovery; swimmin, biking and running. It combines strength, endurance and speed. And it combines happiness, joy and competitiveness. Sounds pretty perfect to me. Biking and swimming have both been part of my rehab in all five surgeries and they are good for the knee; the movement is stable and there's not too much pressure on the newly constructed joints and ligaments. Running is a bit trickier since it is pretty tough on your lower body especially and most runs are done on pavements. Running is the only activity that really causes troubles with my knee because but thast's why I've been working on getting strength in my knee and get my knee more functional.

~After a successful triathlon we deserve a tasty melon ~

I have really enjoyed the feeling you get from triathlon and actually this May (5.5) I did a triathlon with one of my very best friends, Maija ♥ It was our second triathlon we complete together. Our triathlon was composed of 8,5km of running + 50,6km cycling + 1000m swimming and a honeydew melon cut in half to finish off the great day. Doing triathlons I've felt the same kind of happiness I felt playing football or competing in tarck&field; the feeling when you feel you more alive than anywhere else. The passion and euphoria you feel are something hard to find from anywhere else. 
I am very happy that I've found a sport that brings happiness like football and track&field did. Of course I still hope deep in my heart that one day I could compete in heptathlon in track&field and play football but somehow I have learnt that if I couldn't it's not the end of the world. The world is full of amazing sports I can still do and full of sports I can find happiness from. Nothing will ever replace the hole football and track&field left in my heart but when you I've seen that I didn't learn to appreciate what I had and what I was able to do before the injury happened to me.

Life is a journey that will never stop because every day is a new chance to grow as a person, learn something new about yourself and about others. Life doesn't have a finish line either. It's not about surviving through the moments, it's appreciating the moments as they come whether they were good or bad because we always have something to learn. 

In order to keep close of my own sports, football and track&field,  I started coaching last fall. It has been a way for me to prevent a mental breakdown because cosaching means keeping the sport close to my heart. Recently I also started coaching a more competitive track&field group and now coach 5 days/week which has been awesome. I haven't started coaching football yet because it is stil la weak spot for me mentally. In track&field I still have a slight chance to get back on the track but in football as time goes by and I see how my knee is it is very unlikely, read almost impossible, for me to get back on the field and that is one of the reasons I haven't been ready yet to start coaching football. But I think that in the future thast will be an option for me. 
I'm especially glad to be able to share my passion and my knowledge to other young future athletes nand it is great to see the effort they put into training. Of course it is hard sometimes to see them doing something you used to do and are not able to do today but most of the time I'm just happy to be able to spend time on the track and if and when I have the time working out myself, for who knows, maybe a future greater interest and investment in triathlon. 

Numb3rs

The beginning of the nightmare was on the 20th January 2013, and since then I've been counting all the things that have been involved in the process. An injury like this sure requires a lot of all sorts of visits and it costs a lot of money:


1185 days
169 weeks and 3 days
28 440 hours
1 706 400 minutes
102 384 000 seconds
6 X-rays
3 MRI
2 CT-scans
1 cortisone injection

6 surgeries
30 surgeon appointments (5 different ones)
47 physiotherapy visits
30 days in hospitals
100 days in full-length cast
395 days in a knee brace
40 weeks on crutches
320 days of prescribed pain killers
60 days of stabbing myself with a needle
1000 hours of physio
<50 000€ (< $ 72 100) spent in everything above



I know that with all this my athletic life has changed and I will need to change some things in my way of doing, but my atletic life isn't over. I am able to do a lot of things of which I'm proud about, and every day I think of the people who have injuries way worse and I try to put things to perspective. My knee will never be perfect again and I might never be able to touch my butt with my heel, but that's okay. It's not a mandatory thing in life. I understood a while ago that even with this injury I'm not a loser or a quitter, I just do things differently and in my heart I'm a winner. Even though my way of achieving things changes, my goal remains, and my goal still is to one day be able to compete on a high level🏆From the inside, from my heart I am still an athlete although from the outside I might look like crap.




I'm proud of what I have achieved and where I am today. I know I'm still far away from the state I want to be in, but I'm working to achieve it. I can honestly say this injury has changed me in a good way. Appreciating everything I still have makes it easier to deal with the harder days. I still keep a lot of feelings inside without letting them out, but I'm trying to learn to spit it out at times. The biggest lesson I've learnt is that I should've appreciated more everything I had before my injury, I should've cherished every moment like it was the last time I experienced it. Not having done that is one of my biggest regrets, but I'll never be able to fix that anymore. You only know what happened in the past and what is happening at this very moment, but I didn't think enough about the fact that we do not know what will happen in one minutes or even one second, and really, everything can happen like this injury shows. I never thought something like this could've happened to me, I thought I was insurmountable right to the very moment my knee injury happened. At that moment I realized everything can change in the blink of an eye and I wasn't some kind of superhero who could just surpass all injuries and tackles and hits and kicks. I was only a human being who had to be unlucky enough to go through an injury like this.

Unlike a lot of people think, recovery from this is not just "doing rehab occasionally". It's something you have to work on every day and give a lot of thought. Now that I look back, I think I've really been harder on myself and pushed myself even more in the recovery after my latest reconstruction (11/2015) surgery than I did after my first one in 2013. The process is slow but it keeps moving and as long as it keeps getting better I will be grateful for every little thing I can do. I'm in a state where I can't afford injuring my knee again, because if I did injure it, the surgeons wouldn't be able to fix it anymore the ligsments, tendons and joints having suffered so much damage already. So I'm doing everything in my power to prevent that doing as much as possible at the same time.

Never Say Never

The first thoughts I had when I injured my knee were: Would I be able to play soccer again? Would I be able to compete in track&field again? and Would I ever be able to do the sports I love at the level I was before the injury?
I know I'm certainly not the only one thinking of these kinds of facts after being injured. The one thing I realized after the injury was how much I took doing sports and what I loved for granted, well, now I can say I've learned to appreciate and value what I've still got.

1. What kind of sports can I do after an injury like this?
It's a really hard question because everyone is so different and every injury is one of a kind. Before the injury I competed in both soccer and track&field, I trained almost every day of the week, and didn't like to rest, I hated it. I'd rather go doing anything but sitting on my butt doing nothing. I loved competing and training, and I loved pushing myself. At the age of 14 I was (almost) on the top of the world, but little did I know that I'd fall to the bottom quite soon.
My doctors and physios keep saying to me that soccer is a very risky game and heptathlon is very demanding too. They haven't totally said NO to them, but I have seen enough doctors to understand their face expressions. I know soccer is very demanding and hard on knees, especially injured ones. And I know heptathlon is very challenging too since it includes hurdles, long and high jump, shot put, javelin throw, 200m run and 800m run. So yes, I sure haven't picked sports easy on my legs.
Long ago, I promised to myself that I would fight back from this. I wouldn't let this injury ruin my happiness. I have decided that I'll give it my everything I have in my body; passion, determination, all the energy. And I will try to get back to those sports.

It is hard to say whether you can do some sports after knee reconstructions or not. In my situations both are very unlikely to happen, but never say never to your dreams without having tried to achieve them. Everything is possible if you believe in it. If you can't do one sports, you'll probably fins something similar or something that you enjoy in the same way.


2. Is running possible?
Hard to say. It depends on the age, the severity of the injury and the pain. Before my surgery in November 2015 I wasn't sure whether I'll be able to ever run again. Already in the end of 2014 my doctor in Canada had diagnosed me with a total tear of the ACL (anterior cruciate ligament), PCL (posterior cruciate ligament), MCL (medial collateral ligament) and a partial tear of the POL-tendon. My whole knee was dislocated which meant my tibia and femur bones too were in a strange abnormal angle.

So he told me not to run before the surgery in November. I wasn't gonna let him determine my future because I knew I would become depressed without sports. So I decided I would work my muscles back to have good muscles around the knee to give it some support my broken ligaments couldn't offer anymore.
I pushed myself to get strong muscles and I did. In March I slowly started jogging again to see how it feels. It wasn't exactly mind-blowing but it was a start. By the end of June I had slowly increased my running distances to about 20-25km. Running felt good again, I always taped my knee before each run to give it an additional support and it worked. When I came back to Finland I knew I had a couple more months to go before my actual 5th knee surgery. So I used that time increasing my running distances more. I took part to a half-marathon in September and during October and November I consecutively ran 46km - 51km - 57km runs.
So yes, running is possible in some cases. I know I still have a long way to go to get to those distances again, but this week I reached one milestone because I took my first steps JOGGING since my surgery. It feels great to be on the go again.

3. What do I do when it hurts?
There's no need to say that pain is pretty obvious after a knee reconstruction done. Some days it feels better, some days I feel like I can't get out of bed. It is still my choice to get out of that bed no matter what. Normally after a workout the knee is a little sore, of course. I have become pretty pain tolerant and I can manage with pain to a very high level. I don't often show when it hurts so it is very hard to say when it hurts and when it doesn't. Despite that, the one thing I've learned is that when there's pain it is sometimes good to tell someone about it. The one I talk about pain is normally my physio. First because he understands and second, because I feel comfortable with him. But I only talk to him about physical pain. With mental pain I try to manage by myself.
Having said that I still think it is better to let someone know about the pain, whether it is a relative, a family member or a doctor/physio. If it's a professional their job is to help you. If it's a loved one, it's someone who will support you and help you on bad days.

4. My future plans?

I am currently 4 months post-op and I'm feeling good. Of course some days are harder than the others and I still think of why this happened to me on bad days. But the past is the past and it can't be changed. The future is ahead of me and I can still decide what I want to do. So I try to look to the future but still live one day at the time and enjoy the moment. I'm allowed to bike and swim now, and I will slowly start jogging. I see my physio twice or three times a month and he helps me with my muscle strenghtening and mobility of the knee. My goal is to get back to running in the summer and achieve my goal of playing soccer and competing in track&field one day, eventually. Those aren't yet, but I'm working my way towards them.


I have learned that in order to continue my life after the injury I have to forgive myself. I have to forgive myself for having been injured because I forgave the players who injured me right away. Forgiving myself has been a long process and I'm still working with it. I have let go of the past and try not to think of why this happened. I'd rather think that everything here happens for a reason and this was a step my life took and it has made me a better and a stronger person. Letting go of the past hasn't meant I've forgotten what happened the days I injured myself. They will sta with me for the rest of my life and they are a part of me now.
Injury taught me how to face challenges. Before it I didn't face them, I only ignored them. But moving forward requires facing challenges. Never say never, because as long as you have faith in what you are doing and you believe in yourself and in your dreams anything is possible.

tips for knee injury management

Having thought of writing a new post for two months I finally found the time to do so. I've been busy with school, some national exams coming up, exam weeks, knee rehabilitation and coaching.

This time I figured I could write down some tips I've learned (or not quite yet learned, but noticed) during my 3 years of recovery from multiple knee surgeries and injuries. I "celebrated" my knee's 3-year anniversary January 20th and it evokes lots of emotions when I go back to that day in 2013.

1. DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS
From what I've learned these past years, do not compare you injury to other people's injuries. Everyone is different and every injury is different, every rehabilitation is that being said, different. I know this is hard because I find myself comparing my knee injury to other's but it makes me frustrated, angry and sometimes sad, more than anything else. So focus on your own injury and its rehab process.


2. SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS WITH OTHER INJURED
I learned this point last year during my exchange year in Canada. When I injured my knee - again - in November 2014, I became really depressed. Nothing made me laugh anymore and it was difficult for me to find something that I enjoyed doing. I ate like crap sometimes and that made me feel even worse. Then I found this wonderful, amazing support site through which I've made some really good friends with whom I can share experiences and exchange thoughts. It really is like mental medicine and sometimes when I come up with questions there normally is someone who has experienced similar things. Again, remember not to compared your injuries, but I must say it really does help, A LOT!!

3. FIND A PHYSIO YOU LIKE TO WORK WITH
This has been a very major part of my rehabilitation process. And I can't stop saying it, but start working with a physio you can trust, with who you feel comfortable with and with who you like to work with. There's really no point in working with someone you don't like or who doesn't share similar opinions or views than you do. I have been very privileged to get to work with two amazing physios, one here in Finland that I've known for three years now and one in Canada that took care of me and my knee when I was feeling down and nothing seemed to work!! It has been great and since I feel comfotable with both of them, I've been able to give my 100% every time they've given me an exercise or a rehabilitation program to follow at the gym.

4. DON'T KEEP ALL TO YOURSELF
I am a person who likes to keep their own thoughts and feelings for themselves as long as possible, but even I have noticed that sometimes the mental part of this injury becomes really unbearable and you have to just let it out. I am having difficulties finding people I could talk about my feelings because I'm not the type of person who likes to share their personal feelings especially when they show your vulnerability. BUT, it is of a huge importance to let your own feelings about the whole situation, the rehab process, the roughness of it, out. Because if you keep it to yourself too long, at some point a mental breakdown is possible. I was close to it last year but luckily I got to meet my physio and all the wonderful people in the support group and in Canada.

5. DON'T LET OTHERS DEFINE YOU
You are the one that got injured, you are the one who's suffering from it, you are the one living with your knee. Don't let anyone else define who you are or how good you are based on your knee injury - that's unfair and just rude. You set the limits and you set your goals. We work hard and want to succeed in rehab because we want to get back to the life we had before. In some cases, it might not be possible and we might need to change some things, but we never ever have to deal with people who judge us because we've suffered a knee injury. We also don't have to dealt with getting left out of something because we've had a rough rehabilitation. I've run into people who criticize me and who tell me I'm not good enough to get back to sports because I'll never be the same I was before. Well, it's true I will never be that same person I used to be but let me tell you one thing. I've set myself a goal to get back to sports and what I love doing. If I set myself a goal, I will achieve it and no one will stop me from doing it.

6. ALLOW YOURSELF TO CRY
To begin with, I hate crying. To me crying is like a weakness, showing your fragility and impotency.  I almost never cry really and I hate when someones sees me crying. Because I always think I can handle it myself. But deep inside I know I can't fix it all by myself. So I have learned how to cry. I'm not saying I'm crying for every little setback but sometimes when the pain is bad and the world seems to be collapsing for some reason I allow myself to let the tears flow down my cheeks. I hae begun to think that mayber all, maybe it's a sign of strength, a sign that shows that you care and you want to get better!

7. ENJOY LIFE
Even though knee injuries suck, I have realized we can't just stop ourselves from laughing, smiling, doing things we like, seeing friends and travelling because of a silly knee injury. True, it puts down some limits I'd like to see gone, but when the injury has already happened that's just not possible. There's no going back to the past, but we can look in the future and keep living life as well as we can, enjoying things we still can enjoye and adapt to new kind of situatuons.

8. VALUE WHAT YOU'VE STILL GOT
Knee injury, by necessity, means giving up on certain things. But it doesn't mean we have to give up all we have and all we've done before. After an injury like this, you will certainly have to change some of your habits and think twice before doing something you could do before. But we must remember that life is valuable, and everything we still have is valuable. Giving up on certain things might mean gaining some new things you never would've imagined yourself doing before the injury. So many people in the world suffer from terrible diseases, poverty and undernourishment that we have to remember to consider ouselves lucky to be alive and healthy apart from the knee. We only have one life to live and if we spend it worrying, whining and nagging we can't be happy. At least that's what I think.

9. SMILING AND LAUGHING ARE THE BEST MEDICINE 
On the bad days when the pain is bad it is pretty damn hard to try smiling but trust me, being with friends or family and laugh is really a good medicine, especially mentally. This injury is so much more than only the physical part - there's also the mental suffering that sometimes is even worse than the phsyical one. So whenever and wherever you can, try to take a poisitive outlook to life and smile at it. Despite the knee injury and the bad days, there are always brighter days ahead of us in the future and even the one with a bad luck will find something to laugh about eventually.

10. DON'T LOSE FAITH
Being in rehab, it is natural that sometimes it feels like everything seems to go the opposite of what you had hoped. There are days where the knee is so sore that you can't do what your physio asks you. Other days you'll rock it at the gym and you feel great. But those tough days are hard on the mind, they make you feel weak and unsuccessful, useless and pathetic. It is during those times that we have to remember everything happens from a reason and it is always possible to come back from it. And normally those who get up after an injury are much stronger than they were before because the process has taught them so much. Never lose faith and always keep dreaming, because everything is possible when you really work hard for it.