The moment of truth had finally come. Sitting in my surgeon's office in November 2016 after five knee surgeries - the latest one done a year earlier - my heart beating so fast it could come out of my chest at any second, I felt extremely anxious and nervous, but most of all I felt fear. Fear of what he would say. Fear of what would come next. My hands were sitting and I felt so uncomfortable, the moment just before he started talking looking at my x-rays, my mom sitting next to me. It felt painful - not physically painful, but emotionally painful yes.And then that moment came. The moment I had been dreading for the past almost four years. The moment I was told soccer and heptathlon weren't options for me anymore. Ever. Neither was any other team sport that could involve any sort of twisting or pivoting of the knee. My world crumbled in front of my eyes. All the work I had done to eventually make a comeback to the two sports I loved was for nothing. I was devastated. That meant there would be no comeback. That I hadn't been working hard enough. That my knee was a piece of shit that could never get back to the things I once loved so very much. How could that happen? How could I be so unlucky I had to let go of such big parts of my life at the age of 19? Well, actually I had to let go of them already at 15, but I never wanted to believe in the comeback for as long as I could, because after all, comebacks are possible.
I didn't know how to be or what to say. What to do. I felt like everything I had was taken away from me - all at the same time. And it felt so unfair. Where would I ever find motivation to keep working hard after those news? My doctor told I'm lucky I'm walking after my injury and he told me that he cannot believe I'm still running. Sure, it did feel like I had done something right. But what had I not done enough to get back to soccer or track&field? It was something I couldn't understand. Or didn't want to understand.
The fear of letting go. It has the power over you. It wraps you around a dreaded network of feelings that you cannot get rid of. I feared of having to let go since my injury in January 2013, and in November 2016, I still was not ready to hear I have to let go. It is such a powerful statement, it makes you panic and being anxious. But when the actual moment of letting go came I didn't know what I was feeling anymore. My mind was empty and blank. And for some time after I had to stop thinking about getting back to soccer or track&field I felt sick just seeing or thinking about them. I couldn't watch soccer on TV and coaching track&field brought me back memories that turned into painful ones. I was a become a worse coach because I couldn't separate my own career with the career of my own athletes, but it was hard and painful and those happy, good memories of those two sports became more of a burden than a great thing to look back at.
I little over a year later things are different. Sure, soccer and track&field aren't part of my sport life in any way now, but the fear of letting go has turned into an appreciation toward the past, what I achieved and what I experienced for so many years with so many amazing people. The memories make me happy and looking back at them isn't all that painful anymore. I can watch soccer again. But, there will always be a part of me that will be sad and anxious that two of the greatest sports that gave me so much also took away from me. That after my injury I never got the chance to show myself and the world that there is a possibility of a great comeback. I never really got to say goodbye, you know. To say thank you for what you've given but it is time to move on. I never got that. All I got was a sudden, very tragic accident that led to both getting taken away from me without any sort of warning whatsoever. And that's what hurts about it the most. That's what made the fear of letting go soooo big. Because having to let go of something you are not ready to let go is scary and sad and unfair and just wrong. But life is not always what we want it to be or what we hope for. Adapting to the sadness and bouncing back doing new things is what counts.
I have found joy and happiness from other things. When I thought all I had was taken away I had to look myself in the mirror and tell myself there were still plenty of things in the world to try and do. And that's what I tell myself every time I miss my sports. I let the sadness get to me but I don't let it overwhelm me. The sadness is just enough to get me look at the memories with a little smile on my face. Those memories will always last no matter what even if new things come on my way. And life is pretty good, after all. Because it has so much to offer. We just gotta find those opportunities and enjoy them as much as we can. I don't get scared of having to let go anymore because I know now what it is. And even if it is hard and painful, it teaches us something - every time.Year 2018 is just around the corner and I cannot wait for what it has to offer. January 2018 will also mean the 5-year anniversary of my knee injury. After all these years, it isn't a day of fear and sadness anymore, but rather a day to celebrate how far I've come and how much I can still do despite everything that I have had to go through. ♡
